1 minute ago
Ophelia is 1 month old today.
This has been the most exhausting, unrewarding, and disappointing month of my life.
Not what you'd expect a new mother to say, right?
After the malpractice I fell victim to while delivering my baby I've felt hopeless.
This beautiful, tiny consciousness I grew for nearly 10 months was forced out of my body in the most unnecessary way.
I was lied to and misdiagnosed an upward of 5 times to be scared into agreeing to be induced.
I was told that if I had returned to the safety and comfort of my home I would be refused care at the time of my actual labor.
The birth that I had been preparing for, the birth that I was hoping would liberate me from my past sexual assault was stolen from me.
Instead I was left feeling more violated than ever.
I had no desire to feed or care for Ophelia in the hospital after I delivered her. The only time I touched her was when it was absolutely necessary.
Even after our first week home the thought of feeding her at my breast made me sick. After all of the drugs and artificial hormones that were pumped through me it was hard to recognize her as my child.
Everyday for the next 2 weeks I would look at the calendar and wonder if she would have picked that day to come if she hadn't been forced out.
I would walk pass my night stand that still held the birth affirmations that I planned to take with me to the hospital and burst into tears.
I would wake up at night from nightmares replaying the events.
My irrationality was leading my husband to be unhappy and resent me.
The time I should've been taking to recover and bond with my baby was spent cleaning and cooking to try to pretend none of the events ever happened.
It's been getting better though.
Everyday I've collected a few more of my thoughts and repaired my relationship with Dylan a little more.
Seeing Ophelia waking up to the world and becoming more and more responsive everyday has helped too.
Hopefully, in time, everything will be alright again.
#the4thtrimester #ppd #endthestigma #aesthetic #goodvibes #positivevibes #lfl #l4l #f4f #birthtrauma #vsco #vscocam #baby #babyfeet #newborn #1month #utah #winter #spring #motherhood #motherhoodunplugged @tribedemama